i did not believe because i could not see...

I've had a lot of people from my past pop back into my life lately. From gradeschool to random ex-boyfriends. It tears me apart, though, that those old, near-and dear friends have slipped away. And of course, I am referencing a specific group of four.

One doesn't speak to me anymore because, I believe, I do not hold the same beliefs as she does.

One does not acknowledge my presence further than accepting me on facebook because, again, I hold different beliefs.

One hasn't spoken to me since September 11, 2001. When I called to make sure he was ok. But I hear he is happy now that he has stepped out of the wardrobe closet. Sure, i drunk dialed his house a few times, but hey, it happens.

And one has simply disappeared, into the wild world of somewhere. We had been friends for 11  years, yet I have not had the chance to say hi to him in quite a few months. I don't even think he knows I got married. Which makes me sad inside. Sure, over the years, I have been pessimistic, sad, clinically depressed, and down right crazy. But I'm a Taurus rising. It's my second nature- right after having that royalty complex. I've been trying to get a hold of him via email/IM/LJ....something...to let him know. I was recently hired on at the same company he works for, at the call center level. His store actually called CCC the other day, coming through my extention. I kinda laughed and thought, 'damn, i really haven't spoken to him in forever! He doesn't even know I'm married!' And it kinda made me sad. By the way, I think your BB are expiring.

And one honorable mention....someone who was the touchstone to my hero. He's making the chash nowadays down in NZ, and he has no time for the frivilous chatter he used to. Those delightfully surprising comments and thrilling looks into the head of the one man who has been a part of my life since I was 8.

It kind of pisses me off that people can change. That people have no need for their friends after a while. That i've seen so many people fall out of love with literature and characters and times and places they once loved. But i still love them all. I am devoutly loyal to the home I've never been to, the one friend who has never left me, the symbol permanently carved on my back, the name i've had for 7 years.

I may now be Lu Nawata, but I still stand under the Red and Green rampant flag.

*i got my icon from ....i forgot. If you did it, let me know, and i'll credit it.*

SOOOO everyone, I GOT MARRIED! To Motoharu! He's back in japan, and i'm visiting him in December.

My roommate moved out, I got another, and she bailed on me, too.

I am quitting McDonalds for an office job.

I'm thinking about making the 2nd room into a Zen room.

So, how are y'all?

Robert Pattinson.

I.wish.he.would.die.


Just Sayin.

"Fuck Off." 

I will rebuke you as you have rebuked me.
__________________________________


ever wanted to just run and change everything about yourself?

Stop going to the same places.

Change jobs.

Change your name.

Change cities- driving as far as you can, making up your story along the way, so you never have to think of your old life again..........

Wipe your hard drive so you won't remember.

But I think it would be easier to die.

____________________________________
 

 

"I'm starting to realize, in something like panic, that I don't understand anything, and that nobody else seems to know any more about it than I do. There aren't any grownups. And maybe there aren't any secrets left to tell." -

Tim Kreider, baltimore city paper.

I woke up today seriously depressed, and I don't know why... I'm trying to explore why, so that's what this blog is here for.

I go to work today at 4. There is this manager that I always have a fear of having to work with there. I don't really know why, because it  usually ends up being ok. But i know how backstabbing she is, and that she is trying to get all of the other managers fired, when she is the one who should be getting fired. She always proclaims that 'the store manager' now says we have to do this, we can't do that, that she is becoming angry about blah blah blah... which made me afraid to work under the store manager for awhile... but I've come to realize that this manager is being a bit dodgy and Shift-like. She styles herself as the official mouthpiece of the store manager. When I actually talk to the store manager about a certain issue, she always clarifies. It never turns out to be as bad as the other manager says it is. Except for the chicken.

OH GOD THE CHICKEN. I want a job where there are no stumbling blocks about my religion. I hate having to starve at work while everyone else gets to eat just because I'm not allowed to have the ONE THING on the menu I CAN EAT. Yes, being kosher- being Jewish is a choice, but I didn't know i had to compromise my religious beliefs to hold a job!! JUST LET ME EAT SOME FUCKING CHICKEN PEOPLE!

And NO ONE UNDERSTANDS that I WILL NOT WORK ON SATURDAY. Yet again, another religious thing. SORRY I WANT TO FOLLOW MY RELIGIOUS BELIEFS. No....NOT SORRY!!!!

Oh well, If i am fired from this job, then I can get another one. One way or the other, someone will hire me. Somewhere.

wow. i feel better. but still sad. a little.

does love really exist?

I loved you. I still love you, although I'm sure you don't believe it anymore. I've done some pretty assinine  things in recent weeks. Things I myself though I would never do. And I did it for love. And I don't know if it's worse that I never felt bad about it. But I don't. I can't help it. Maybe I just have no soul anymore. I don't want to do it again, and I still love you, although I feel like you're not there anymore. Honestly, I love you more that Life itself. I love you more than this planet I live on, the air I breathe. I would give anything up to you the instant that you asked. Without you there is no will to live. Nothing matters. But lately, your face has been  fading from my memory. Then thoughts about what people have said about you creep in. Maybe they're right. Then that pang tells me that they're not. Their whinings only serve to drive us apart, and I know that.

It seems that since i've done this inanely foolish thing, I've been alone. Even my trusted friend and advisor has been avoiding me, and he doesn't even know about it !  Mostly because he doesn't have the time to speak to me anymore. But maybe he has this strange 'feeling of death' about me....that i've died. And I have. I'm no longer the young, innocent Lucy that I once was. I can never be Narnian again, and that breaks my heart! It makes me want to die when I see it from that perspective!

But maybe that means hope!! Maybe that means that because I feel this way, there is a path to forgiveness.

Still, why don't I feel bad about it?

GO THERE. JOIN IN. WIZARD ROCK THE VOTE FOR 2008!

Free Tibet! Boycott the Olympics!


sign the petition HERE

Oh, and please leave me a comment to let me know you signed :)

Definitely action-packed.
Can I have my money back?

death is a pleasure a release a dream in the night.

there was once a man who entered a restaurant.
Now, this man was recently hired for a new job. It was a well paying job, and he was feeling quite pleased with himself. He was on his way to becoming a rich socialite. Feeling exalted above the common worker, he rudely ordered his food, complained that the service wasn't what it was used to, and belittled the cashier taking his order. After all, who was this person, but a lowly blue collar employee?
The next day, he arrived for his first day of work. Confident that he was on his way up, and thinking of the praises and warm welcomes he would receive from his new boss, he entered his company's suite. As the boss stepped out to greet him, he was shocked that this was the same person who had taken his order at the restaurant yesterday! The same person he had put on airs to, the same person he berated and slandered just the day before!
The man nervously inquired, 'Don't you work at the restaurant?' The boss said 'Yes, but it is only on the weekends, because I enjoy the work. Now, let's begin your day by assessing your public skills, your attitude towards clients, and your ability to adjust to change.....'

Shine bright morning light
Now in the air the spring is coming
Sweet blowing wind
Singing down the hills and valleys
Keep your eyes on me
Now we're on the edge of hell
Dear my love, sweet morning light
Wait for me, you've gone much farther, too far

Since only one person guessed, and it's been a while, i'll post the answers. not that anyone cares. But i can anyway, because it's my blog- the last true thing I own.

1) A girl who's not really a girl becomes a princess who's not really a princess, then returns to her former self.

The Last Unicorn. Both a book and  a movie.

2) A girl who doesn't know who she is, and is  a bit of a clepto. She's in love with a guy who's sleeping with a woman who doesn't love him.

Breakfast at Tiffany's. Both a play, and a Movie. The movie starred Audrey Hepburn.

3) An unusual girl finally has her side of the story told. Turns out, she's not that bad.

Wicked. Reep was Correct.

4) A bunch of sick people who are trying to get their electricity turned back on. Oh, and find themselves before they die.

Rent. Again, Reep was correct.

5) A girl thinks that nothing is fair.

Labyrinth.

so, i got this from elflore. I'm gonna have a try at it. Please guess.

1) A girl who's not really a girl becomes a princess who's not really a princess, then returns to her former self.

2) A girl who doesn't know who she is, and is  a bit of a clepto. She's in love with a guy who's sleeping with a woman who doesn't love him.

3) An unusual girl finally has her side of the story told. Turns out, she's not that bad.

4) A bunch of sick people who are trying to get their electricity turned back on. Oh, and find themselves before they die.

5) A girl thinks that nothing is fair.

two are plays/movies, one is just a movie, and one is a book/movie. Any clues?